Apr200906
Umbrella Etiquette
03:09 PM
koi_boots.jpgAs we continue through a month that is immortalized in rhyme for it's persistent precipitation, I feel the need to discuss Umbrella Etiquette - a "lost art," if you will, in the bustling metropolis of Gotham.

Rule #1:
Unless you are wearing a gold buttoned jacket in front of the Ritz-Carlton or you're carrying a bag of Big Berthas behind Tiger Woods, you are, under no circumstances allowed to be wielding one of those gigantor-brellas worthy of a PGA tour.  While I appreciate your desire to exist in a bone-dry kineosphere when the weather is inclimate, you're an inconsiderate asshole to the rest of us.

Rule #2:
While on the issue of umbrella-circumference, please keep this formula in mind:

H*(1/2) = D(u)

Simply put, you don't get to weild an umbrella that has a diamter larger than half your height.  Case closed, end of story, no negotiating.  I shouldn't be seeing any of you little Hobbits walking around with what is essentially a House and Garden gazebo over your head.  The only thing as annoying as catching an umbrella's tine my eye (see Rule #1) is having my lit cigarette crushed into my hand because Toulouse-Lautrec and his Shroud of Unnacountability decided to stop short to answer a phone call (which, it goes without saying, is NEVER a reason to stop walking).

Rule #3:
When exiting the subway station, wait until you've reached the sidewalk before opening your umbrella.  Its rather unlikely that you're related to a Wicked Witch out West, so a few seconds of moisture isn't going to return you to the soil and loam of the earth.  The confined quarters of the staircase is NOT the place to suddenly extend the neurotoxin laced quills of your umbrella like some horrifying, urbanite blowfish.

Rule #4:
Upright, you assholes.  UPRIGHT!  It's bad enough that you swing your arms like some hyperbolized George Jefferson, but when the sun comes out long enough to justify closing your umbrella, I should never find myself the victim of an impromptu sidewalk vasectomy that would make Mengele wince.

Rule #5:
The building is under construction, so the sidewalk is now even narrower than usual and it's beneath covered scaffolding.  Either close it up or raise it up, Mr. Scoops.  Otherwise you're going to find yourself in a close-quarters death-match that will put that Uma/Darryl trailer park scene in Kill Bill to shame.  Oh, and I'll be taking more than your one good eye...

Most of the civilized world thinks of us New Yawkers as fast-talking, foul-mouthed, over-caffienated busybodies who wouldn't piss down your throat if your stomach was on fire.  Personally, I think most of this assumption is false; there is a camraderie that exists between us Folks of the Five Boroughs.  A sense of kindred-consciousness amongst all of us who pay far too much for rent and yet feel like we have to apologize to panhandlers.  Snake Plisken might not be on the island yet, but it's a prison in which we're all doing time and these foxholes force us all to believe in a higher power...

But Fuck Almighty, it's JUST RAIN!


12 Comments

Oh - and for those who are curious (because I've already gotten personal inquiries), the rainboots above can be found here:

http://www.dllrainwear.com/servlet/the-1150/Chooka--dsh--Women%27s-Koi/Detail



You proved me wrong.

As soon as I saw what you were writing about, I was bothered. I have heard enough people bitch about this very thing to be expectant of another annoying rant.

But, by the time you got to Urban Blowfish, I was hooked. Absolutely the most comprehensive and funniest dissection of this topic to date.

Well played, sir. Well played.



Dude. That was some of the funniest shit I have ever read on this site.

"I should never find myself the victim of an impromptu sidewalk vasectomy that would make Mengele wince."

I am going to continue chuckling about that all day.

While I never have to battle such problems, I can see where it would be a pain in the ass, eyes, or (as stated above) the balls. I can imagine this problem is only amplified by the vast number of people wielding anti-rain weapons... I have no doubt you have pulled off moves that would make Neo and Trinity look on in awe.

Cheers.



I was bitching about this very issue over the rainy week. I work in midtown, so you can understand what a league of morons I am dealing with, and how many tourist families I have screamed at to give their patio furniture it's 'brella back. We all shower, dont we? Get a goddamn hoodie!! Whose idea was it to put metal spikes at my eye level? The makers couldnt put something else at the ends???? GARRRR.



I was bitching about this very issue over the rainy week. I work in midtown, so you can understand what a league of morons I am dealing with, and how many tourist families I have screamed at to give their patio furniture it's 'brella back. We all shower, dont we? Get a goddamn hoodie!! Whose idea was it to put metal spikes at my eye level? The makers couldnt put something else at the ends???? GARRRR.



wow, thats alot of stupid rules.
heres one for you:
write about body are and modification when writing on a body art and modification website.

thats all, simple.
and fuck you too



I'm glad you can all use this to vent. Go ahead. We'll sing spirituals later and hold hands.

For the record, Needles and Sins is not solely a bod mod blog, but an outlet for various writers and artists in addition to my tattoo thoughts.

But I appreciate the time y'all take in commenting, good and bad. Shows me you care and I get all warm and fuzzy.

Love,
Marisa



my bad - that was definitely a lot of rules.

in the future, i will keep things simpler for those who count with their hands, rather than with their fingers.



I'm with Dershowitz -- initial "hmm" reaction but immediately won over with your "hyperbolized George Jefferson" articulate rants.

It's everything I ever wanted to express in my own blog entitled "Umbrella Etiquette" where the entry simply read: "Fucking have it."

Thumbs up, sir.



Dude, the whole "opening the umbrella on the subway steps" kills me. I hate that. When I complain about it I'm told to cut down on my coffee.
Nothing sadder than a grown man who needs to open the 'brella as soon as a few drops of rain hit.

So. Yea. Maybe you need to cut down on coffee. That's what they tell me.



i like it alot Marissa, best of luck with the new blog.

although if its open to just about anything dont you think it will get mired down in crap pretty fast?

anyways, my bad.
i just loathe lists of rules, guess. that and nazis and pedophiles.



The first thought that comes to mind is "Amen" the second is "you said it brother!". I myself mostly run sans-umbrella do to some of these very reasons. last fall I was a victim of a "mushroom hobbit" trying to make my way up sixth Ave.
across from the Hilton on the upper 50's during a nasty sleet/snow storm, the kind that leaves you partially blind. I entered this construction corridor with concrete partcian on one side and a tall unscalffolded barricade on the other only to realize I was stuck behind a fourfoot+ person with a large green golfing umbrella that touched both sides of this passage! This was not
the end of this frustrating mess she was going very slow, for fuck sake if you are in NYC there should be a minim walking speed limit well beyond that of a person with a walker. I soon realized that about a dozen people were now behind me in this snail of a bottleneck and had no choice but to stay the painful drenching course. Why is it that one persons selfishness makes so many suffer.





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Marisa Kakoulas
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Craig Dershowitz
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