Oh, you are going to be mad. I'm talking Just John Tattoo mad (see below).

Last July, a mass of professional tattooists and collectors rose up to boycott TLC's "Tattoo School" -- a show where the disillusioned are led to believe they can learn to tattoo in just two weeks. This sparked online petitions, Facebook pages, and angry YouTube videos. Oh, and death threats. But things quieted down when TLC said it was just a one-off program and not a series.

Well, "Tattoo School" is now a series.

Check a video premier of the show on Entertainment Weekly. Also the Futon Critic posted TLC's press release, which offers this explanatory gem:

Over the two-week intensive course, students will be tested on three 'real world' challenges that mimic the situations they may find themselves in as a working tattoo artist. Each challenge will test a specific skill or technique that is required to become successful in the business. From sketching to inking human VIP clients, the students will be subjected to all aspects of tattoo artistry. Upon graduation, the student with the best final, original tattoo is gifted with a golden gun, which will last for their entire career.

A golden tattoo gun!

Ya know what will last their entire career? The shame of taking the easy way out to learn a craft and get 15 minutes seconds of reality TV fame.

While I've been mellowing -- or rather given up -- a lot of my anger over tattoo TV [as I noted in my "Best Ink" post], there's something just so ... sad about it. So sad I can't even find something funny about it to properly mock.

What's particularly upsetting is that, even with a boycott of tattoo school grads by reputable studios, many will indeed get jobs because of America's particularly obscene obsession with TV celebrities. How do you explain Kim Kardashian's fame? People will want to get a tattoo, even a bad tattoo, by someone who has been on TV just to say that a "celeb" did it. We've seen it already with the competition shows where the weakest artists (but great self-promoters) are the "stars" at conventions. They also get paid to show up at nightclubs and suddenly have waiting lists for sub-stellar work.  

Maybe the best course of action is to not make them celebrities -- or bring more viewers to TLC -- by giving them publicity with blog posts like this one or angry videos. Maybe we need to pretend "Tattoo School" doesn't exist and instead promote excellence in the industry.

In that case, I apologize for writing this and will go back to artist profiles on those who deserve it.

Just when you thought tattoo TV couldn't get any worse, TLC -- the braintrust behind NY Ink -- will premier "Tattoo School" next Thursday, July 14th. The show follows "award-winning" tattooer Lisa Fasulo, who runs The Tattoo Learning Center in Albany, NY, as she teaches students "from all walks of life" the craft. In two weeks. Cue the drama:

Rookie students, models risking their skin to first time body artists, a rebellious instructor and unconventional training...who will bear the drama of competition and survive?

What's even more abhorrent is the press release for the show, which includes the following:

• Every time they do an establishing shot of a New York landmark (the Brooklyn Bridge, the Statue of Liberty, subways, yellow cabs, etc).
• Every time there's incredibly scripted voice over/testimonial monologue (ie - "If you can make it here in New York, you can make it anywhere" or "It's not easy running a shop, but with a crew of talented artists like this...")
• If someone gets a NYC tattoo (see above references, plus Yankees logos. If they get a twin towers tattoo, pour two tall shots and drink both)
• During any discussion of the Sacred Three Taboo Tattoo Areas (above the collar, below the cuff, under the underwear)
• If anyone actually gets a tattoo in one of the S.T.T.T.A. you have to drink every time it is shown.

SHOP RULES
TAKE A DRINK...

• Every time Ami James complains about being in New York City (adventurous, high-tolerance drinkers should simply drink every time Ami complains about anything).
• Every time Ami has his shirt off in the shop for no explicable reason (this ain't Miami, son)
• Every time the "shop girl" looks like she's near tears.
• Every time someone is wearing those fashionable, black latex gloves.
• Every time an artist is late for an appointment
• Every time an artist storms out of the shop in anger (take two drinks - one for you and one for the drink he/she is about to go get around the corner).

CLIENT RULES
TAKE A DRINK...

• Every time someone mentions a personal project (band, blog, self-published book, etc) to garner press for personal gain.
• Every time a client is getting a "memorial tattoo" (however, any time it's for a "homey who ain't here" you are required to pour some out - pets and family members are excluded from this stipulation).  If you tear up during one of the memorial tattoo descriptions, CHUG your drink and then punch yourself in the junk.
• Every time there is a meaningful, heartfelt "back story" behind a client's inspiration for their tattoo.
• Every time a client mentions their congenital/accidental disability (drink twice if the tattoo "empowers" them)
• Every time a client starts crying at their new, beautiful tattoo (CHUG for as long as they're crying DURING the tattooing process).
• If someone pusses out on a tattoo, finish your drink and then hunt them for sport ("Functioning Alcoholic" level players only).
• Every time a client walks in with a completely un-tattooable piece of reference art (drink double if the client or their friend drew it).

**BONUS LEVELS**

AMATEUR HOUR

• Pick three (3) rules total from any category.

HAPPY HOUR

• Pick six (6) rules total from any two categories

FULL RULES

• (Well, now... someone wore their big-boy pants today!)

FUNCTIONAL ALCOHOLIC SKILLSET

• All rules from page one apply, plus...
• If you know the client personally, double all drinking requirements.
• Every time a large-scale tattoo (full sleeve, backpiece, etc) is completed in one episode - take one drink every session it presumably took to complete.
  

BUKOWSKI RULES

• All previous rules apply, plus stock your bar for the following:
• Make your alcohol-choices directly related to the tattoo happening on-screen.  Sake or Asahi for Japanese work, Miller Lite for tribal work, Irish whiskey for "memorial" tattoos, tequila for fine-line black-and-grey work, wine coolers for tramp stamps (amaretto sours are also acceptable - but one is required to scream "WOOOO!" or chant "Gym, Tan, Laundry!")

And may God have mercy on your soul... and your liver.

(Thanks again to Nathan at KnuckleTattoos for his help - if you have any recommendations for additional rules, tweet them with the hashtag #nyinkdrinkinggame)